MODULE
ONE RECOVERY RE-BUILDING
STAGE - ONE
DENIAL
- THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!
In
ending a relationship and exploring rebuilding their lives people
are drawn from all backgrounds, some are male some female, some
are older some are younger and some wealthy and I mention this
because often people think that only those who are losers cannot
maintain a relationship.
Some people are ready for this first step whilst others are
still shocked by what has happened and cannot think beyond the
day before them. Many people in my groups told me how they were
waiting for their ex-partner to wake up, knock on the door and
tell them that it had all been a nasty dream.
It is natural for you to feel confused and disorientated with
even the simplest issue taking on untold demands and you are
feeling so unlike the person you used to be. Many people tell
me during this stage that :
" I feel dumfounded. I honestly thought this would never
happen to me. "
In this initial stage you may be punishing yourself with statements
like
" If only I had listened more; if only I hadn't
been so angry "
if only...if only and the list goes on.
Through this relationship you have learned a great deal about
life and about yourself and such insights are a tangible part
of who you are now and your awareness. Better to say 'I did
the best I could with what I knew and what I had to work with'
and such a statement you are starting to be who you really are.
Module
One Recovery and Stage One Denial Sample Audio
MODULE
ONE RECOVERY RE-BUILDING STAGE
- TWO
LONELINESS
TO ALONENESS
It
is natural to feel extreme loneliness when a relationship ends.
Recovery can and will come from such pain if you listen and
allow this all important natural process to unfold so you can
grow through loneliness to the stage of aloneness where you
are comfortable being by yourself.
When
working with people and listening to those going through this
process as I have done in my thirty give year career I saw various
kinds of loneliness. There are the people who have withdrawn
into their cave and just peer out sullenly, looking very sad
and dejected. Then there are those who insist on being with
someone else, so they always are holding hands or following
somebody around. Then there are the busy people where they are
always doing this and that so they never have to face their
loneliness.
Loneliness is pain but in such pain we are being shown something
that we have to learn. Loneliness can be like a vacuum where
the person deals with this by sucking everyone around them in
to fill their void.
However, It is not just have been present at a time when they
have ended a relationship because for many it began in childhood
and may be a stumbling block for years to come in their life.
In our work together we explore all facets of your own process
so that you can move from loneliness to a balanced, positive
stage of aloneness enabling you to make decisions for YOUR future.
Module
One Recovery and Stage One Loneliness to Aloneness Sample Audio
MODULE
ONE RECOVERY RE-BUILDING STAGE
- THREE
GUILT
VERSUS REJECTION
Here
is the scoreboard:
Dumpers end
the relationship
Dumpees have
it ended for them
Naturally
the adjustment process differs since dumpers feel more guilt
and dumpees feel more rejection.
Dumpers start their adjustment process while still in the relationship
but dumpees start adjusting later after the ending of the relationship.
For the
mutuals
(those
who jointly decide to end the relationship) the adjustment process
is somewhat easier.
At this point in our work t I am going to present
four key concepts that are very closely intertwined but also
I should point out that it may get confusing at times. We are
going to be viewing the two main people in the end of a relationship
drama as the dumper or the dumpee and we will be exploring the
nature of two very strong feelings which accompany the trauma
of relationship endings -
GUILT AND REJECTION
There
are different groups of people at this stage in the recovery
process.
(1) Those
who walk around in shock,
lying on the ground trying to get their emotional
wind back
(2) or
those
walking around looking guilty and
trying not to look at those on the ground.
(3) then there are the others
who are
walking around holding hands with their former
partner
We
work through various responses and associated feelings so that
you can deal with and let go of these powerful feelings of guilt
and rejection to embrace the next, all important, rebuilding
stage.
Module
One Recovery and Stage One Guilt & Rejection Sample Audio
MODULE
ONE RECOVERY RE-BUILDING STAGE
- FOUR
GRIEF
BOYS AND GIRLS DO CRY
Grief
is a very important part of the process when a relationship
is ending or has ended and so you need to work through these
emotions in order to move on fully to the next stage. Here,
initially, we will intellectually explore the stages of grief
so that you become emotionally aware of grief process to enable
you to do the grieving that you have been afraid to embrace
and experience. We will work through this challenging process
in our one to one sessions.
We are now working with one of the most difficult and emotionally
draining aspects of the rebuilding process for whenever there
is loss of something important in our lives we suffer grief.
For death there is a set ritual with funeral, coffin and the
acceptance that grieving is important. In ending a relationship
there are no prescribed rituals other than a court hearing,
the packing up of a home and informing friends and family that
you are now single and so grief is often not acknowledged or
accepted and that the death of a relationship is also a powerful
cause for us to grieve.
Many forms of loss happen when a relationship ends which many
people grieve over. There is the loss of a future; the sharing
of a future as a couple, of love, of partner and lover and the
social status of being a couple and then there is the loss of
role both personally and within society and all that that communicates
both to us and those around us. So for many people the loss
of the relationship is as important as the loss of the partner.
Module
One Recovery and Stage One Grief Sample Audio
MODULE
ONE RECOVERY RE-BUILDING STAGE
- FIVE
ANGER
- HOW
COULD YOU TO THIS TO ME? !
You
will feel powerful rage when your relationship ends. Feeling
anger is a natural, healthy part of being human. However, anger
is different from aggression which is a destructive form of
expressing anger.
It is not healthy to keep your anger locked up inside and neither
is it to expresses such anger aggressively. You can learn to
express both your anger over the ending of your relationship
along with everyday anger constructively.
Relationship anger is extreme rage, vindictiveness, and bitterness
which at times seems overpowering. It is a special kind of anger
that we usually have not experienced before and many of our
friends who are still in relationships do not understand it
either unless they have gone through the breakdown and end of
a relationship.
You may try to keep this anger inside and not express it and
this can result in reactive depression because one cause of
such intense sadness is anger not being expressed. The dumper
does not express it because he/she feels guilty and the dumpee
fears the other person will not come back so both are 'nice'
for a while, except that they feel a lot of intensely sad thoughts
and feelings.
Anger is expressed in violent ways many times. Many people,
given the opportunity while they are angriest, will commit an
act of violence. It is crucial at such times to be able to restrain
ourselves and find more suitable methods of expressing these
feelings of rage and vindictiveness. Also we can find more constructive
uses of anger than destroying ourselves with depression and
psychosomatic problems (headaches, body tension, ulcers, and
the like.) Also, since the fires of anger can spread to other
rebuilding stages, if we can work our way through this block,
we will have much less trouble handling the other all important
parts on our rebuilding journey.
Module
One Recovery and Stage One Anger Sample Audio
MODULE
ONE RECOVERY RE-BUILDING STAGE
-
SIX
- LETTING GO AND MOVING ON
If
it is now clear that your relationship has ended then you
now need to stop investing in your former relationship and
it is easier to let go if you realise your life is now full
rather than empty. Dumpers tend to let go more quickly, often
because they have let go even before they acted to 'dump'
their partner and leave the relationship. Failure to let go
may be a symptom that you are not facing some painful feelings
within yourself.
First
what is the definition of letting go? Imagine your hands clasped
together with the fingers intertwined, and then imagine pulling
those hands apart while you continue to clasp. That gives
you a graphic image of what we are talking about. It involves
the painful letting go of all the strong emotional feelings
for another person.
At
this stage in our work together we explore both the blocks
which may exist as well as examining those positive areas
where you have moved forward and let go of key elements of
your former relationship.
Module
One Recovery and Stage One Letting Go Sample Audio
MODULE
ONE RECOVERY RE-BUILDING STAGE
- SEVEN SELF CONCEPT
FROM
FEELING BAD TO KNOWING I AM WORTHY
It
is OK to feel good about yourself. Here we explore how you can
learn to feel better about yourself and gain strength to help
you adjust better to a crisis in your life. As you successfully
adjust to this crisis, you will feel even better about yourself.
For some people it as if they are experiencing a personal identify
crisis, you may be seriously creating strains on your current
relationship now with friends and also in the future.
" When I was a child, my father continually warned me
about getting a 'big head' and becoming 'stuck on myself. Then
I went to church and learned that I had been born sinful. At
school it was big boys and those with the brains who got all
the attention. Finally I married so there would be someone who
thought I was worthwhile. It made me feel good that someone
cared. But then she started to point out my faults to me. I
finally reached a point where I began to believe I was truly
worthless. It was then that I decided to leave the marriage."
Carl
Your self concept is the skeleton which support your personality.
Here we can see that when the self-concept becomes fractured,
the whole personality begins to fragment.
Apparently we learn much of how we feel about ourselves at an
early age from the significant people around us including our
parents as well as siblings, relatives and teachers. This basic
level of self-concept is later influenced by our peers especially
during our impressionable teenage years. As an adult your partner
becomes a primary source of validation and feedback and greatly
affects your feelings of self-worth.
However for many, until they realise this all important fact,
the paradox is that when the physical separation comes and the
relationship ends, self-concept hits an all-time low. When the
relationship fails the identity suffers.
Module Two Adjustment and Stage Seven Exploring
Self Concept Sample Audio
MODULE
ONE RECOVERY RE-BUILDING STAGE
- EIGHT
WHERE
HAS EVERYBODY GONE ? ? ?
The
support you receive from friends is very important and can shorten
the time it takes to adjust to both your current and future
life transitions. Friends are more valuable than your former
partner at this point in the rebuilding process. You can develop
friends of both sexes without becoming romantically or sexually
involved with them however we need to realise how the ending
a relationship is threatening to many who are in a relationship
so some friends may slip away from you at this point in time.
" Maria and I had lots of friends and family around
all the time. Most weekends we'd have dinner parties or go over
to her sister's place, or meet locally with two or three other
couples. Since we split up, none of those people ever call me
or drop by. How come married people don't seem to want us around
when we are single? " Paul
When we go through the process of separation some people insist
on being on their own. They tend to withdraw and feel uncomfortable
being around people. Then you will notice others who are continually
clinging to other people as though they cannot be alone for
a single minute. Always walking arm in arm they plan ahead so
that they have do not have part of the journey to walk by themselves.
There are four common reasons
why we separate from those friends we had when we were in a
relationship:
Number one
is
that when we are ending a relationship you suddenly become more
eligible as a future partner and may be viewed as a possible
partner for one of the people in another relationship. So whereas
you were formerly invited to all the parties as a couple because
you were safe, now you are single you can be seen as a threat.
Suddenly people are looking at you as eligible and invitations
to certain friend's parties diminish accordingly.
The second reason we tend to
loose friends
is
that for some people those who have ended their relationship
create a very polarising situation for others. Friends tend
to support one or other partners thus we tend to lose the friends
who have sided with our former partner.
The third reason
is
probably the most important: the fear that 'If it can happen
to you, it can happen to me' so the ending of your relationship
is very threatening to many relationships around you and may
form the basis why many such 'friends' appear to slip away.
Although you may be feeling rejected quite honestly it is their
problem and a reflection on them rather than on you. So, instead
of feeling rejected understand that the ending of your relationship
has caused them to feel very insecure.
The fourth aspect of friendship
which
is important to understand while you are going through ending
your relationship and rebuilding is that people in committed
loving relationships are considered to be part of mainstream,
accepted couple orientated society and separated people become
part of the single subculture, a part of society which is less
acceptable to many. So to be pushed out of the acceptable mainstream
culture into the 'questionable' singles subculture is a difficult
adjustment.
Module Two Adjustment Recovery and Stage Eight
Friendships Sample Audio
MODULE
TWO ADJUSTMENT RE-BUILDING STAGE
- NINE
LEFTOVERS
HAVE TO BE CLEARED
Earlier
experiences are extremely influential in our life and the
attitudes and feelings we develop in relationships with
parents, family, friends and partners are bound to carry
over into new relationships. Some of these attitudes and
feelings are helpful in new relationships and others are
not.
As we have explored earlier common leftover problem, even
for adults, is an unresolved need to rebel against constraints
such as parental rules. Recognise the valuable leftovers
so you can keep and nourish them and then work at changing
those which simply get in the way.
So how much are you carrying in terms of leftovers from earlier
days? You may have learned to carry extra weight in your past
relationship or perhaps in your relationships with parents,
other siblings, friends or others while you grew up. Time to
unload those unneeded burdens. You may have thought that you
left all those hang-ups behind so maybe you didn't realise they
existed until a new relationship came along and then you were
forced to look into your back to see what you were still carrying
forward in your life.
MODULE
TWO ADJUSTMENT and
RE-BUILDING STAGE
- TEN
LOVE.
. . . . . . .
Many
people need to relearn how to love in order to love more maturely.
Your capacity to love others is based on your capacity to love
yourself as I explore in The Power of Caring series. Learning
to love yourself is not selfish and conceited in fact it is
the most mentally healthy thing you can do. There are a number
of specific steps you can take to increase your self love and
connection with your true self.
Over the past thirty five years I have asked thousands of people
to do this exercise in my seminars as well as one to one sessions
and it normally proves a very difficult assignment for most
people to do. Many people say
'' I thought I knew what love is but I guess I don't
"
In fact many people feel inadequate about their definition of
love. Love is like a diamond and you can view it from many different
directions and there is no right or wrong way of defining it.
There is only the way you feel about love.
In our society many people have stereotyped love to be something
you do for somebody or to somebody. Very few people realise
that love is something that should be centred within you and
that the basis of loving others originates from the love you
have for yourself.
A somewhat cynical definition upon which many relationships
are based is:
"Love is the warm feeling that you get toward somebody
who meets your neurotic needs."
Clearly this is a definition of neediness rather than love.
Because we are not whole and complete people but have emotional
deficiencies we try to fill those emotional deficits by 'loving'
another person. What we lack in ourselves we hope to find in
the other person in other words many of us are half people trying
to love someone in order to become whole.
Module
Two Adjustment and Stage Ten of Love Sample Audio
MODULE
THREE FREEDOM TO BE YOU RE-BUILDING STAGE
- ELEVEN
TRUST
- THE FOUNDATION OF HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
If
you say you can't trust a man or woman in a relationship then
you are saying more about yourself than about the man or woman.
Many relationships at this stage in the rebuilding process are
often attempts to heal wounds and many are transitional or short-term.
So at this stage by building a basic level of trust within yourself,
you can experience satisfying emotionally closer and intimate
relationships.
At this stage in the recovery process you may see people walk
a distance from potential partners. They are like a wild animal
that when someone comes close, they run for cover the minute
you move toward them. These people talk about relationships
a great deal of the time, and they seem to want to date and
to be with potential partners. But as soon as someone makes
a move toward them, they run and shout 'stay away!' Clearly
they are still severely wounded by 'love'.
The
ending of a relationship process can be viewed in two major
steps. The first is learning to be a single person again ready
to face life alone with the issues of the past cleared away.
The second step is learning to love again after you have both
rebuilt your emotional strength and sustained a balanced relationship
with your real self so that you then ready to engage in a long
term committed relationship. Clearly, if you complete the first
step then step two will be easier.
Here at this stage we explore common types of relationships
to examine the basis of your current or former relationship
so that you are clear what works and what doesn't work for you
in the future.
Module
Three Freedom and Stage Eleven Trust Sample Audio
MODULE
THREE FREEDOM TO BE YOU RE-BUILDING
STAGE - TWELVE
SEXUALITY
When
you are just separated it is normal to be extremely fearful
of sex. However, during the adjustment process, you can develop
your personal morality to express your unique sexuality.
The single subculture emphasise authenticity, responsibility
and individuality more than rules. So you can discover what
you believe rather than what is expected of you. The great difference
in attitudes is that male and female sexuality appears to be
a myth. But your adjustment could be complicated by the major
changes currently taking place in female, male and same sex
identities.
What was your attitude to those swinging single people when
you were in a relationship? Did you wonder if they were sexual
athletes that they were rumored to be? And did you fantasize
what it would be like to have a date with a different and exciting
person each night of the week?
Now you are single look at the people around you. Many are spending
evenings in alone. But take heart this part of the journey can
be one of the most difficult but it gets easier as you become
accustomed to being single. You have not been out on a date
in years and the first person you ask turns you down. You attend
various events anxious that someone will not approach and chat
you up and equally petrified that someone will. If someone should
make a pass at you then the thought is enough to make you stay
at home, alone, forever.
There are three stages in this rebuilding block. Each of these
three stages of sexuality affects us personally a great deal
as we go through the adjustment process and we will explore
and discuss in detail during our one to one online sessions.
Module
Three Freedom and Stage Twelve Sexuality Sample Audio
MODULE
THREE FREEDOM TO BE YOU RE-BUILDING
STAGE - THIRTEEN
RESPONSIBILITY
- RELATING AS ADULT TO ADULT
Most
committed relationships that end in separation where out of
balance in terms of responsibility. One partner was over-responsible
and the other was under-responsible. When couples try to change
this system of interaction, it is often the beginning of the
end of the relationship for many people.
Feelings and attitudes within us keep us operating in the
under-responsible or over responsible style; one may have
to make some major changes to come from an adult balanced
relationship view. Equal responsibility relationships are
more flexible and able to adjust to stress and change and
therefore are more likely to last.
In this stage our sessions focus on the different forms of
relationship and ways of relating responsibility.
Module Three Freedom and Stage Thirteen Responsibility
Sample Audio
MODULE
THREE FREEDOM TO BE YOU RE-BUILDING
STAGE - FOURTEEN
SINGLENESS
IT'S OK !
Here
you emphasize investment in your own personal growth rather
than in relationships. A period of singleness enables you
to build confidence in yourself so you can experience and
enjoy being single as an acceptable alternative lifestyle
and not as a time to be lonely. However it is easy to become
stuck in this rebuilding block as a means of avoiding another
intimate relationship.
Many people never learned to be single people before they
entered a committed relationship. They went from parental
homes to sharing a home with their partner, never even considering
that one could be happy living as a single person, and never
questioned the myth that once in a committed relationship
they would live a 'happy ever after life'.
Before the singleness stage, one may be looking for the 'lost
half.' but during this rebuilding stage one reaches the point
of comfort in going out alone. No longer is a 'date' necessary
to avoid embarrassment or feeling a failure. The quality of
relationships improves, since one now chooses who to go out
with spending time together sharing rather than needing. Other
people may be encountered and enjoyed for who they are, rather
than as a potential lifetime companions.
Module
Three Freedom and Stage Fourteen Singleness Sample Audio
MODULE
THREE FREEDOM TO BE YOU RE-BUILDING
STAGE - FIFTEEN
FREEDOM
AND THE NEW RELATIONSHIP WITH ME
We
are now at the end of the rebuilding journey and we have arrived
at FREEDOM.
By working with me through the rebuilding blocks you can now
build more meaningful relationships for the future. Why? Because
you have the FREEDOM to choose to either be free and happy
as a single person or enter into another relationship. Freedom
is being who you really are and living your life to the full.
Here we look back over the process we have worked through
together and explore:
What
was the most enjoyable and interesting part of the rebuilding
process for you.
What was the most
difficult and challenging?
Now, what was the
most painful?
Now
we review and identify the many changes that have taken place
within you and how you have reached a place of embracing these
shifts emotionally and how these experiences have been communicated
to your logical conscious mind.
Many people have had considerable difficulty with one or more
of the rebuilding blocks after a relationship ends. As we
will have worked through the rebuilding process, overcoming
each stumbling blocks, then you are able to enter into another
relationship and make it more productive than the last one.
You will be able to meet your own needs and the needs of your
loved one(s) much better than in the past. Rebuilding not
only helps you to survive the crisis, but it also enhances
your future relationships.
Module
Three and Stage Fifteen Freedom Sample Audio
"WHAT
ABOUT THE CHILDREN?"
CHILDREN
MUST REBUILD TO
Many
people ask me about how the rebuilding stages relate to children.
The process of adjustment for children is very similar to
that for adults. The rebuilding stages apply to the children
(as they may to other relatives such as grandparents, aunts,
uncles, and close friends).
Many parents get so involved in trying to help their children
work through the adjustment process that they neglect to meet
their own needs.
If you're a parent who is embarking on the Rebuilding journey,
I recommend that you learn to take care of yourself and work
through the adjustment process. You will find that your children
will tend to adjust more easily as a result. The nicest thing
you can do for your child is to get your own act together.
Children tend to get hung up in the same rebuilding stages
as their parents, so by making progress yourself, you will
be helping your children, too.
I
have created special written and audio recording materials
if you wish to work with me in regard to you and your children.
Children
Must Rebuild Sample Audio
MAKING
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